I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
