Duck Duck Cougar?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
