im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
