The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
