My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize