And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Randomize