she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
