When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
