successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
