Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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