if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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