I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
