Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
