If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
