He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Green mimosas i think yes
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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