he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
