Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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