Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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