Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize