i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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