Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Life is so much better after having sex.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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