I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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