This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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