What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
