it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
