I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
