does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
