I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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