i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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