apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
