i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize