There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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