Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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