He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
