I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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