True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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