Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
