I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
