The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
