Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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