There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
