i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
