Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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