I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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