Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
