I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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