Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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