Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
