If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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