his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
