At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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