Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
