And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
