It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Randomize
