i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
