He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
