Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
