But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
