Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
