Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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