Fine. I'll sleep in my office
im six kinds of drunk right now
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
