I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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