Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
