Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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