At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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