I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
why is half of my head shaved?
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