Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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