If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Randomize
